Entering into Intimate Relationships

One of the biggest payoffs of learning to trust (ourselves and others) and embracing vulnerability is intimacy, which is something we are built to need and crave. Before we delve into the work of identifying the reasons why we avoid intimacy and how to break free of the patterns that are keeping us from experiencing all of the goodness that comes from intimate relationships, let’s spend some time considering what intimacy is. After all, if we do not know what it is, how will we know when we have it?! Once, I came across this definition of intimacy that I really liked:

"Private and personal knowledge detailed and obtained by much study or experience."

Intimacy involves both the ability to give and receive love and grows over time as we have experiences with or “study” the person we are connecting with. One of the main problems we experience having been hurt in the past, however, is that we tend to jump ship well before any of that can happen. Thus, our relationships remain superficial – never delving into detailed private and personal sharing. Why is that? Why do we avoid intimacy like it is the plague? We have a whole host of fears and false beliefs that need to be challenged and unraveled in order to break free from the isolation that occurs when we avoid intimacy, such as (from Shelter from the Storm):

• Intimacy means that we blindly trust people.
• Intimacy means physical or emotional isolation.
• Intimacy means betrayal.
• Intimacy means agreeing with another person when you know that person is not right.
• Intimacy means disclosing private or personal information when you do not want or wish to.
• Intimacy means abuse.

Based on the fact that we need and desire intimacy, when we try to avoid or detach from this need, we usually compensate in some way. We engage in various behaviors to avoid intimacy (adapted from Shelter from the Storm):

• Substituting (e.g. perfectionism, false compassion, attention demanding behavior)
• Compulsive Behaviors (e.g. eating, smoking, shopping, sex, work, religion, TV)
• Suppressing the Need
• Fantasy
• Self-pity
• Anger
• Unforgiveness/Rigidity
• A Judgmental Attitude
• Over-scheduling

We engage in all of these behaviors because we are trying to avoid the loss that comes when intimate relationships end or because of the false beliefs we have about what comes along with intimacy. Answer the next question: By never entering into intimate relationships, I get to avoid… But consider this: any behavior we use to avoid losing, actually causes us to lose! We have seen time and again the costs of trying to outrun or ignore any of our basic human needs. Answer this question: By never entering into intimate relationships, I never get to experience… One of the biggest reasons we avoid intimate relationships is that we ourselves do not know how to engage in a healthy way. We either isolate ourselves or become possessive or smothering should we connect with someone.

Remember that intimacy includes the ability to both give and receive love. If we are isolating ourselves from others, there is no opportunity for an exchange. If we are possessive and smothering, then we are stuck in a mode of only taking and not giving. Our needs are center stage and the other person is being held accountable to make sure that we are constantly reassured, comforted, and paid attention to.

Furthermore, if we are engaging in any of these behaviors, we are also, once again, on the control wagon! By either managing ourselves or others, we are hoping to eliminate the risks that come along with intimacy.

To begin the process of first identifying what intimacy is for you, I encourage you to create an “Intimacy Is…” collage. You can go whole hog and whip out magazines, glue stick, and construction paper or you can create a spreadsheet. The important thing is that you spend some time reflecting on what you would like to know and believe about intimacy – e.g. Intimacy is a walk on the beach, adventure, a risk worth taking, pillow talk.

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Embracing Vulnerability

"Any sign of weakness or vulnerability is unthinkable. If others discover we are weak, they will have power over us and this knowledge will be used against us." ~from Shelter from the Storm

Life can sometimes feel like a battlefield. We become like warriors, constantly striving to guard ourselves from being wounded or hurt. In fact, by definition, being vulnerable means to be capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt! Is it any wonder that we resist vulnerability with such adamant force?!

Many of us have experienced very real moments when our weakness, naivety, lack of control or power were fully used against us. Once we escaped the experience, we became determined to never be used in such a way again. In addition, we lost all sense of safety and security, which needs to be present in order to embrace vulnerability. In an effort to regain a sense of safety and security, we typically abandon vulnerability and instead take up our swords of control. Same song, different day, right?

Our need to control outcomes drives so many of our behaviors. This, however, is where we make the greatest error. Control only provides a false sense of security – an illusion! Whereas, through the openness and sensitivity that vulnerability requires, we develop deeper and stronger connections that can be relied upon and trusted.

Besides, what a false belief it is to think that we are not vulnerable? All of us, no matter what we do, are capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. There is no escaping vulnerability, so we might as well embrace it and use it to our own benefit.

But how?

First, we need to identify and challenge the false beliefs that we have developed around vulnerability. You can start by answering these questions:

If I am vulnerable, it means that…

When I consider being vulnerable, I think or feel…

Next, to be exposed (vulnerable) means to be open and susceptible to harm. But, it also means that we will be open and susceptible to many wonderful things as well! What are the good things you become open to or gain access to by being vulnerable?

I am not advocating that we let down the drawbridge for just anyone, but I am asking that we at least remove the rusted chains and locks so that we can invite others in when the time comes in order to experience these things.

Thirdly, it is important that we consider who and what we are opening ourselves up to! Many of our fears of being vulnerable (e.g. our belief that to need another person means to be powerless) have been reinforced by our own bad choices. Now, we do not need to feel guilty or ashamed about that, but we do need to take responsibility for the fact that openness and vulnerability may not actually be the culprits here. The real problem may be who or what we are choosing to be open to!  

A new skill to develop then is the ability to control for the risks involved, which I want to distinguish from “being controlling.” The former involves evaluating a situation and others and considering how we might manage for or reduce the risk. The latter involves trying to manipulate or change a person or circumstances so as to eliminate all risk. Essentially, it is the difference between being “in control” and “being controlling.”   

Finally, we need to understand, I mean really understand, that there is always a risk involved in everything we do and in every relationship. But, without risk, there is no reward. Check out this additional definition of vulnerability in the context of a bridge game:

“liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge” ~Merriam-Webster Dictionary

I love that! To be vulnerable in this card game means that you will likely experience penalties but you are also promised increased bonuses after winning. In the game of life that we are playing, to be vulnerable means that we will likely experience disappointments and hurts – there is a risk – but we are also entitled to payoffs. These include intimacy, connection, adventure, authenticity, joy, and independence – lots of bonuses!

I encourage you to pick out an area of life where you are over-controlling. What would it be like to give up some control and instead embrace vulnerability? What steps would you need to take to let down your drawbridge?

For an additional perspective on vulnerability, watch “The Power of Vulnerability.”  

REFLECTION

• How have you avoided being vulnerable and instead used control to gain a sense of safety and security in your relationships? (Example: I always want to decide what we are going to do and when.)
• What is the impact on you or others as a result of avoiding vulnerability and instead trying to control? (Example: There is tension, distrust, and a lack of connection.)
• What choices have you been making, risks have you been taking that reinforce your false beliefs about vulnerability?

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Learn to Trust Others

While this article addresses the difficulty of learning to trust for adult survivors of child abuse, the ideas can be helpful for anyone who struggles in this area of life.

The last time I wrote, I shared some thoughts on trusting yourself. Now, let’s turn our attention now to trusting others. You may still have some work to do to trust yourself, but there is no time like the present to begin transforming your relationships!

For me, the impact of not trusting others was that I walked around guarded all of the time. It was as if I was operating behind this piece of gauze; I remained fuzzy to others and others remained fuzzy to me. I was never able to experience real connection or intimacy. To move us along towards breaking out from behind our walls, veils, protections, let’s start by simply exploring what it is you think it means to trust someone in the first place.

One of the biggest mistakes we make when determining who is trustworthy is looking for the qualities in others that we ourselves lack. Let’s say, for example, that we have a very hard time getting projects done on time. This is a quality that we would say a trustworthy person would possess. So, when working with others on a team, we label the person who is able to get things done on time as trustworthy.

Nevermind the fact that she cheats on her taxes, beats her children, etc. The point is, we are so focused on the qualities that we lack that we misjudge the character of another person whenever they possess those qualities.

As a result of abuse, our “trust meter” is a bit off balance. We have either tilted way over to not trusting, trusting too easily, or remain apathetic about it – never really connecting or pushing away others. So, how can we give our trust meter a tune up and rebalance it?

First, we need to challenge our general understanding of what trust is. Regardless of what you have thought it means to trust, I want you to try on understanding what trust is in a new way.

• Trust is not about judging the character and quality of another person.
• We do not come to trust a person as a whole.
• Rather, we come to trust the person to honor a specific commitment.
• No one is 100% trustworthy.

Remember the example of the team member who finishes her work on time, but cheats on her taxes and beats her children? She is completely trustworthy when it comes to completing tasks on time. She is not trustworthy when it comes to raising children. For any given person, there is always some commitment we can trust, but there is always another we cannot. This is why trust is not about judging the character or quality of a person, but rather judging the character and quality of the commitments you can trust the person to honor.

When relating to others, we seek to know the difference between commitments likely to be honored and those not likely. We want to understand what sorts of commitments they follow through on more often than not and hope that these line up with what is important to us. This will vary by person and by commitment. I may have a friend who I can always trust to keep her commitment to spending time with me and another who doesn’t, and yet they are both trustworthy friends!

Our job is then to decide whether or not to trust someone by considering their behavior and speech as signals of their beliefs, values, and intentions, which are all indications of what commitments they are willing to keep, for how often, and for how long. Keep in mind, that behavior is a much better indicator than what people say.

Oh, and the bad news is…

There is no such thing as a 100% trustworthy person, which means there is no guarantee that people will not let us down, hurt us, or behave terribly.

But, the good news is…

We do not have to judge the person as a whole and give them a badge of trustworthy honor. Instead, we can determine which beliefs, values, and intentions are priorities and judge to see if the person can commit to those things.

You see, trusting another person is not about saying “You’re good, you’re safe” – it is about saying, “I know that, in these areas, I can count on you, and I acknowledge and understand the areas where I can’t.” If we continue striving to prove that someone is “good”, then, as soon as they show a flaw, we will cut them off, deem them untrustworthy and continue our cycle of being closed off and disconnected.

REFLECTION

- On a scale of 1-10 (1 never; 10 too easily), how would you rate your willingness to trust others?

- What has been the impact on your life of not being able to trust others?

- I can trust myself if I keep my commitments to …. even if I am unable to commit in other ways.

- I can trust a person if they keep their commitments to …. even if they are unable to commit in other ways.

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Learn to Trust Yourself

While this article addresses the difficulty of learning to trust for adult survivors of child abuse, the ideas can be helpful for anyone who struggles in this area of life.

Many survivors struggle with trust. It is not surprising given that our fundamental trust in another person was shattered as a result of abuse. In fact, it is hard for some survivors to remember ever trusting anyone.

When I first thought about trusting others, I felt a huge knot in my stomach. I did not want to rely on the integrity or character of another person, which is part of what it means to trust. After all, I had relied on the character of someone, and he abused me. I also had a very hard time having “confident expectations” that people would not always leave, let me down, or harm me. I was in a terrible loop of being out to prove that no one could be trusted, and I was succeeding.

There are a couple of layers involved when we think about trust: Defining trust, trusting ourselves, trusting others and determining who is trustworthy, and, the biggie, embracing vulnerability (don’t worry, I’ll be writing about that in a few weeks!). For today, we’re just going to think about trusting ourselves.

As we think about trust, we often focus on determining if a person is trustworthy or not. To be sure, this is very important. However, trusting yourself is actually the first step and more critical than learning to trust others!

If you do not have the confidence that you can make good decisions, judge others with wisdom and clarity, and set the boundaries that are necessary when others violate your trust, then thinking about trusting others will prove to be an empty and meaningless endeavor.

To begin trusting ourselves, we need to figure out the answer to one very important question:

I do not trust myself because …

Once we identify the beliefs that are holding us back from trusting ourselves, we then need to do the work to challenge these beliefs.

As in all things, start small. Setting a goal that focuses on just one area where you want to begin learning to trust yourself is a good place to begin. I also encourage you to read more about challenging false beliefs directly using a few simple steps.

Too often we strive to be open to others, to trust, but find ourselves pulling way, making a mess of things, or being hurt by our choices. If you find yourself over and over again struggling to trust others, it’s possible that your focus needs to be shifted from outward interactions to inward reflection and growth.

Being grounded in who you are, confident in your ability to make good decisions and to set and keep boundaries is a critical path towards trusting others.

Next week, I’ll share with you some thoughts on defining trust in a new light and learning to trust others.

REFLECTION

- On a scale of 1-10 (1 never; 10 too easily), how would you rate your ability to trust yourself?

- In what areas of life do you trust yourself to make good choices?

- In what areas of life do you doubt your ability to make good choices?

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I've Got Abandonment Issues

Abandon: to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert; to give up; discontinue; withdraw from; withdraw protection or support 

When it comes to abandonment, we are very much driven by a fear of the unknown. We don’t know if the people we are connecting to may one day withdraw their protection or support. They may “forsake” us, and not just a little, but utterly. The more we become connected, the greater the risk, because we have more at stake should the person choose to walk away.

In an effort to alleviate this terrible sense of “not knowing,” we’ll often do a variety of things. We will over-control, seek constant reassurance, or be on high alert for anything that looks like withdrawal. Worst case scenario, as soon as we start to feel close, we’ll push away and sabotage the relationship.

This fear of abandonment is extremely common in those of us who have experienced a trauma, been abused, or just suffered life. We have experienced very real and tangible abandonment – the loss of protection by those who were supposed to care for us. Unfortunately, we then begin living as if this is going to be the case with everyone we come across. I certainly had for a long time the false belief that, “People always leave.” As a result, guess what – people around me often didn’t stick around for long, because I would pretty much act in a way that ensured they wouldn’t want to! That’s a hard thing to acknowledge, but we have to be straight about the role we play today that leads us to recreate the experience of being abandoned over and over again.

Earlier, I only gave you the first part of the definition of abandonment. Here’s the rest:

To give up the control of; to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.

When I read this, I thought, “Hmm, maybe I need to abandon myself to abandonment!” If I give up trying to control for abandonment, then I will actually begin taking steps towards real connection. I could abandon the confined space I create for relating to others when I shift my focus and energy away from trying to prevent their withdrawal and enter into an open, free space where I am present to the fact that they are here with me right now, in this moment. Instead of maneuvering to try to get some guarantee that they will always be here no matter what, I can appreciate the person for being here right now.

Point is, the fear of abandonment keeps us so focused on the future “what ifs” that we miss out on what is happening right now. Another, and more tragic, outcome is that we behave so poorly as a result of our fear, that we pretty much guarantee that things will fall apart.

One last thought. We will never be able to get away from taking risks in relationships. We can, however, learn to take calculated risks. This means we have to get out of the nasty habit of connecting to others who are so high risk that we’re pretty much setting ourselves up for failure. Today, I want to encourage you to practice giving up trying to control for the future and to remain in the present moment. Also, give some thought to the types of risks you are taking – are they measured (even if still daring) or just playing with fire?

REFLECTION

- Who abandoned you and how did they abandon you?

- What have you come to believe about people and relationships as a result?

- What do you do to protect yourself from being abandoned?

- How can you shift your focus from trying to control future outcomes to what is happening right now?

- How do you know if you are taking a calculated risk or not?

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