Consequences of Abuse on the Next Generation

Last week, I finished up a series exploring the false beliefs we develop based on the messages family members send and how our recovery can either be helped or hindered by our family.

In response, a reader contacted me with a very interesting question, "What about the impact on the children of a survivor when they find out their parent was abused? How do survivors determine what to say, how to say it, and how to deal with the consequences? Where is the support for these children?" These are great questions! So, today, I'm happy to share this reader's experience, and I hope others who are struggling with this issue will gain some insight or encouragement from her story. Names have been changed to protect the identity of this reader and her family.

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The effects of child sexual abuse do not end when the abuse stops. They are carried within a victim until they are addressed and for many this is done so in silent agony. Abuse in childhood becomes abuse again in later years when memories surface and hurt as though being abused again.

Sexual abuse of children is more likely to have been carried out by either a member of a child’s family or a close and trusted relation or friend. This makes it even harder for a victim as the feeling of having no one to turn to for help overtakes them along with their fears and hurt.

Sally, a woman in her 40’s, was abused when just 10 years old. She kept her secret for over thirty years, managing to cover up her mood swings and feelings of shame until finally she could no longer do so. The first person she told was her husband of twenty-five years. Her disclosure to him hurt him deeply even more so when she told him who abused her – her elder brother. Her husband’s pain was evident, but he was what she calls, “One in a million.” After the initial shock and plenty of tears, he held her tight and promised they would get through this together. Of course, he felt sick and angry as this was his brother-in-law. Many family meals and celebrations had been shared over the years and now hatred was taking over. They decided not to tell their children. This seemed a good idea at the time, but Sally began thinking of her 12 year old daughter and panic began to set in. “What will happen to her if something happens to her father and I? Who will protect her from her uncle?” Sally could take no more, and she told her oldest child who would soon be 18 and could therefore be her daughter's legal guardian and protect her. This was to prove as heartbreaking and soul destroying as the past Sally had tried so hard to blank from her mind.

Her son’s reaction to the “news” was a mixture of so many different emotions that Sally began to hate herself for telling him. She had asked him to not tell his sister as she felt she was too young to cope with it. This made him even angrier, as his reaction to this was, “So it’s okay to hurt me like this but not her?” Sally understood this was just his anger talking, but it upset Sally to see her first born hurting so much and guilt began to set in. Changes in his behaviour soon became evident. At times he would explode with rage and others would cry as if still a little boy. He felt this great need to know more about his mother’s abusive childhood. For him, abuse was just a word, something that didn’t happen in his close loving family. He felt sick at the memories of times he had spent with his uncle.

She was determined that she would become the victor of the events she could not control in childhood, she would control the rest of her life. The abuse Sally endured had made her live a life of loneliness and pain. Now she was faced with seeing the pain on the faces of her own family. This made her even more determined to overcome her past. Life in the house was often unbearable, tension seemed to overtake the once relaxed atmosphere. The situation began to take its toll on Sally’s physical and mental health. She began to keep a diary of her feelings and thoughts. She sat in bed at night crying while writing. At times, she cried so much she could barely see the words she was writing, but this didn’t matter, what mattered was she was releasing her suffering.

Her abuser was arrested and no one had believed Sally that he would admit to it. Sally knew him for the coward he was and never gave up hope of this. Finally, the police called and gave her the news that he had admitted to abusing her. Coping with her own feelings was one thing, but now she was trying to cope with her family’s. This was tough as she never knew what to expect or what to say.

Her parents refused to believe it and made it clear they wanted nothing more to do with her. Now her children had lost their grandparents. Although speaking out felt right, she felt that she was ruining the lives of her children. Watching them both suffering was at times too much to bear. Both in their own way had set on a path of self-destruction and although she had spoken to various professionals, she couldn’t find the support for her children. All she heard was, “They have to understand that it happened to you, not them.” Eventually, she had to inform the school of what was happening. Her daughter began counselling and after 3 years she still attends sessions. That may seem a long time but it shows just how much it hurts to find out one of your parents was abused as a child. Family life is still difficult at times, but Sally no longer has to mask her feelings.

Speaking out about her abusive childhood gave Sally a lifeline in regaining her life. Although she was a victim of childhood abuse, she now considers herself a survivor and this feels good....

Her father passed away the year after she spoke of her abuse but her mother did not tell her and Sally found out after he was already buried. She eventually managed to find out the details of his passing and where he had been buried. To this day, Sally visits his grave and sadly always asks the same question. “Why wouldn’t you listen to me daddy? I love you sweet dreams......”

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Family Matters - Part 2

Last week, I wrote a bit about the roles we take on in our family and then later continue playing. This week, I want to share some of the core false beliefs that people who grow up in families where abuse/dysfunction occurred develop. These are*:

• I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.
• I must have others’ approval.
• Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished.
• I am what I am, I cannot change; I am hopeless.

These are false beliefs that we can challenge; we don’t have to continue holding onto or being shaped by these ideas. One way that I work with clients to challenge these false beliefs is to have them rewrite them as new stories that will give them freedom and possibility:

Example: I can feel good about myself even when I make a mistake, because it means I am trying and learning.

One important thing to understand here is that there is nothing, in general, wrong with having standards or needing approval. Problems occur, however, when we set up these beliefs as “musts.” If we can’t function and feel good about ourselves without the approval of others, for example, then things have gotten out of balance.

Much of who you are and how you see the world is shaped by the family you grew up in. You received all sorts of messages about what behavior was and wasn’t acceptable. At times, family members may have made statements that influenced how you saw yourself, relationships, or the world. The thing is, whatever messages our family members gave us about ourselves were simply that – messages sent. They are like telegrams that were sent long ago and became wired into our thinking, but all of that is up for grabs now. You get to choose at this point which things you believe, which things you don’t believe, and which things are really just about them, it’s their stuff – so that doesn’t have to be how you think about relationships or yourself any longer.

Here’s the bad news: in order to recover – you have to let people off the hook for the things they do and say. This doesn’t mean you have to continue to be abused or receive negative messages; it just means you have to make it about them and not about you.

The next, and often harder level, is to begin to notice that we begin to take these experiences with people and determine – or prove – things about them. We begin to define who they “ARE.” For example, my mother is over-bearing; my father is cold and disconnected; my husband is lazy. This is similar to what we are out to prove about others. When we have it that someone else “IS” the provider, the dependable one, the loser, the aggressor – this keeps you and them trapped with no possibility, because you frame all of their behavior with this lens or limit them to a particular way of being.

What do you have the people in your life being? How do you define them?

Example: My mother is a nuisance. My father is the one I can trust. My husband is my life.

What are the costs of doing so?

Example: If my husband is my life, I’m not owning and taking responsibility for my own journey.

What new possibility becomes available by giving up who you’ve had them being?

Example: If I give up defining my husband as my life, I’ll experience independence and relieve him of the enormous pressure of being “my life”!

When we determine who others will be, we limit and suffocate them and harm ourselves in the process, because we are unable to embrace the entire person. If your abuser is still in your life, one of the hardest but most freeing steps you can take is to stop defining them as “the abuser” and to begin seeing the whole person. This is particularly important if you want any sort of real relationship to occur. Now, if the person is still abusing you to this day in some way, this statement doesn’t apply to you!

REFLECTION

Who are the people you’ve been limiting by defining who they “ARE” for you and not allowing room for anything else? Once you’ve identified these people, I encourage you to go to them and share who you’ve had them being and what you now see as possible because you are giving that up.

A little How-To Guide:

1. Tell the person who you’ve had them being
2. Share the cost
3. Create a new possibility that becomes present when you stop defining them

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Family Matters - Part 1

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationships that play such an important part in shaping who we are – family. Growing up in a family where abuse or dysfunction is occurring is, in my opinion, one of the most difficult things a person can face. Even if the abuser is outside of the family, the way in which our family responds to the abuse is fundamental to how we are able to cope and heal.

It’s no easy thing for a parent to find out that their child has been abused, let alone if the abuse is at the hands of their own spouse or family member. This isn’t to let them off the hook if their responses were less than supportive or, at worst, they outright denied that abuse was happening. It is simply an effort to acknowledge that abuse or dysfunction convolutes the roles and relationships within a family.

There are some common cultural traits in families where abuse/dysfunction is occurring (adapted from Shelter from the Storm):

• Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family’s time, attention, and energy so that members learn to be overly-responsible toward needy people and irresponsible about themselves.
• Denial and secrecy are encouraged or it is implicitly understood that some things are just not to be talked about.
• Emotions are repressed, explosive, or both.
• Children are not taught effective living & relationships skills. Children do not learn to touch, feel, or trust. They learn to expect rigidity and emotional or physical abandonment.
• Members are squeezed into rigid, inappropriate roles.

The last thing on the list above refers to the fact that children in families where abuse/dysfunction occurs generally develop survival roles. These roles are either assigned by the family or unconsciously chosen by the child.

Some examples of survival roles include (from Shelter from the Storm):

• Scapegoat: usually blamed for family problems
• Hero: works hard to bring respect to the family name
• Surrogate Spouse: often takes the place of the emotionally absent spouse and becomes the child counselor for a troubled adult parent
• Lost Child: never gets in the way or causes trouble because this family has enough problems
• Surrogate Parent: takes over responsibility of parenting tasks
• Clown: avoids the pain by being the center of attention

These roles are critical in helping one cope with the abuse/dysfunction. Yet, whatever role it is you played in your family, you’re likely still caught up in playing that same role today. Even if you manage to step away from the role when you are on your own, as soon as you are around your family members, you fall right back into old patterns of relating and being. It’s kinda like how my Oklahoma accent really shows up as soon as I’m around my mom!

The more we play these roles in our families, relationships, in our jobs, the more we come to believe ourselves to be trapped and stuck in these ways of being. We have it that we “ARE” this way, and so struggle to see ourselves capable of anything else. When you have it that you “ARE” the clown, the loyal daughter, the scapegoat, the black sheep of the family, the outsider, the child-parent, the achiever – this keeps you trapped with no possibility, because you frame all of your behavior with this lens or limit yourself to a particular way of being.

Additionally, these defined roles limit who we get to be for ourselves and others, keeping relationships superficial and limited. For example, if you define yourself as “the caregiver,” then you will never relax and let others care for you! You trap yourself and steal from others the gift of being able to support and love you.

Our families play a critical role in shaping who we are, how we define ourselves, and how we think about others. The messages we get from our family are like telegrams that were sent long ago and became wired into our thinking, but all of that is up for grabs now. You get to choose at this point which things you believe, which things you don’t believe, and which things are really just about them, that is their stuff. You don’t have to continue playing the roles that were assigned or that you chose as a child and you certainly don’t have to take all of the lessons you were taught about relationships or who you are as the bottom line truth of things.

REFLECTION
What role did you play in your family? Is this a role you continue to play today? If so, what can you begin to do to break away from this role?

What messages about relationships or who you are did you get from your family?

What do you have it that you “ARE”? How do you define yourself?
Example: I am the practical one, I am the dependable one, I am the caregiver

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Shame vs. Guilt

Recently, I wrote about how we each take on ways of being, which become a way of engaging, showing up, or behaving in the world and relationships. Two very specific ways of being I’d like to talk about today are “the guilty one” and “the shameful one”.

SHAME

“Shame is the feeling of humiliating disgrace of having been violated. Shame tells you that you are bad.” (from Shelter from the Storm)

It becomes very difficult to correct for shame, because it is rooted in a negative belief. For example, “I am unlovable, because [fill in the blank – we all have different experiences that can lead us to this false belief].” Shame is, essentially, the belief that you are bad. It becomes a deep rooted way of being that very much impacts our view of ourselves.

Additionally, I see shame as being born out of taking responsibility for something you have “no cause” in. In other words, shame is feeling bad because someone falls down; you feel responsible even though you didn’t trip them.

I think of it like a little equation: No Cause + Taking Responsibility = False Guilt/Shame

Feeling shame – or taking responsibility for abuse or something you did not cause – is a defense mechanism. By blaming ourselves, we are able deal with the fact that someone we trusted and adored is also capable of harming us. We long to protect the image and idea of the other person, and so blaming ourselves for something we did not cause is easier. However, if we continue to shame and judge ourselves we are guaranteeing that our lives will be mired in self-abuse, lack of joy, distrust, and lack of freedom.

Now, if your way of being is “the shameful one,” then you tend towards reinforcing the false beliefs that lead you to feel shame. As with any false belief, we will find the evidence to support our way of being. We will adopt the shameful message that we are worthless and, no surprise, we will interpret situations or, worse, find abusive people to help reinforce this attitude. If you’d like to learn a bit about how to break out of these patterns of thought, check out this post.

GUILT

“Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong.” (from Shelter from the Storm)

Guilt is related to you being “at cause” for what happened. Guilt is tripping someone and then feeling bad about it. You can correct an action or behavior that leads to guilt. For example, you can apologize for tripping the person.

The equation goes like this: At Cause + Responsibility = Guilt

Guilt is a tricky beast. In its best form, it spurs us on to transform and change our behavior. In its worst, it can be used as way to avoid facing reality. One of the payoffs of feeling guilty – of taking responsibility for abuse or unpleasant things that happen – is that we don’t have to face the fact that we were powerless.

As a quick aside, unless you move the guilt/blame from yourself to the abuser or person who harmed you in some way, you have nothing to forgive them for – they’ve done nothing wrong if you are to blame.

Finally, when we look back at experiences, and say things like, “I should’ve known better…”, we are using “retrospective thinking.” We judge ourselves as guilty, because we are taking into account everything we’ve learned and experienced since that time to judge your capacity to handle the past experience. This is a huge error. How can you expect the 10 year old you to have understood, had the insights that the 30 year old you has? It’s very important to remember to evaluate your capacity to handle or respond to a situation based on the knowledge, experience, life learning you had at the time and not from your matured perspective of today.

If you’re way of being is “the guilty one,” then you are constantly looking to reinforce the false beliefs that lead you to feel guilt or blame yourself. In any situation, you make yourself responsible for all that has occurred and fail to see the behaviors and choices of others that play a role in causing discord, upset, or breakdowns. More importantly, those around you very quickly learn that this is the role you will play, and so there is little incentive for them to evaluate their own behavior or make any corrections. By being the guilty one, you are essentially letting those around you off the hook and bearing the burden of responsibility on your shoulders alone. While there may be times when you truly are the only one at fault, if you have a deeply engrained belief that you are at fault all the time, you won’t be able to recognize when this isn’t the case. 

Now, let me be clear, I’m not saying we should never feel guilt or shame! Each of them has their proper place and exist, in part, to spur us on to better ourselves and to hold others around us accountable. I do want there to be a distinction though between feeling guilt or shame when the situation calls for it and defining oneself as the guilty one or shameful one. The former brings about transformation, the latter only causes us to stay stuck in patterns of thought and behavior that keep us from living fulfilling, authentic lives.

REFLECTION

What are some of the words or phrases you use to shame/judge yourself?

How are you using retrospective thinking to judge yourself or make yourself guilty?

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Payoffs & Costs

Recently I wrote about the many false beliefs that we have and how these shape our expectations which then set us out to prove particular things about ourselves, others, relationships, the world. I want to now take a look at how we are showing up in the world as a result.

We’re going to call these our “ways of being.” These are ways of being, because they are not just about feelings, but become a way of engaging, showing up, behaving in the world and relationships. In a variety of situations, we may show up as insecure, worthless, incapable, ashamed, or constantly guilty. We may also show up as the perfectionist, the reliable one, the problem-solver. The list goes on and on…

In addition to ways of being, we also adopt certain attitudes or behaviors that impact the way we show up in the world or the types of experiences we have. For example, you might have the attitude that, “All relationships fail.” This will impact how you see yourself, potential partners, and intimate relationships. Additionally, it may be related to your way of being – the loner – and also show up as particular behavior (e.g. you never attend social events where you might meet someone). It’s all one big circular loop. One you’re likely hoping to break out of! But how?

By first recognizing that anything we do, we do because we perceive there is some payoff. Furthermore, we don’t discontinue any behavior until the costs outweigh the payoffs. In the example above, the payoffs might be that you don’t have to risk being vulnerable or getting hurt. The costs, however, are that you never get to experience connection and intimacy with another person.

One of my favorite quotes comes from a section on Taoism in Religions of Man (emphasis mine):

“With Confucius every effort was turned to building up a complete pattern of ideal responses which might thereafter be consciously imitated. Taoism's approach is the opposite—to get the foundations of the self in tune with Tao and let behavior flow spontaneously. Action follows being; new action, wiser action, stronger action will follow new being, wiser being, stronger being. The Tao Te Ching puts this point without wasting a single word. ‘The way to do,’ it says simply, ‘is to be.’”

Our efforts here to tune in to who we are being isn’t some idle practice. If we want to transform our experience, bring life into our relationships, lose weight, communicate powerfully, give up an addiction, etc. we must start with our being. The greatest source of and influence on our being is our mind out of which flows our words. Whenever we want to transform a way of being, attitude, or behavior, we must first understand the payoffs & costs and then begin the work of transforming our thoughts and words out of which will flow “new action” and experiences.

As with false beliefs, we will find the evidence to support our way of being. We will adopt the attitude that we are worthless and, no surprise, we will interpret situations or, worse, find abusive people to help reinforce this attitude.

As I mentioned before, we don’t change any behavior until the costs outweigh the payoffs. So, the critical question is: which holds the most weight for you – the payoffs or the costs?

REFLECTION

What are your ways of being? How are you showing up in the world?

Example: I’m damaged, I am undeserving, I am the reliable one

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

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