What's to Gain by Knowing What Was Lost?

As I work with clients recovering from trauma/abuse, the common thread that ties each client to the other is the desire to stop certain thoughts or behaviors. Clients are often focused on what they want to “cut out” rather than what they want to “add in” when they initially start coaching.

Whenever we experience trauma/abuse, however, two things are occurring. We are both gaining and losing. We gain irrational beliefs, pain, anger, distrust … but we also lose a relationship, security, freedom, energy, joy …

As you begin a journey of recovery, I encourage you to first spend time reflecting on what it is you would like to “get back” that was lost as a result of the trauma/abuse. Knowing what you want to “add in” will get you much further along than focusing on what it is you want to “cut out.”

Why is that? Starting a behavior is much easier than stopping a behavior! If we think of a behavior or thought as something we have to “stop,” we struggle more. I think being told or telling ourselves to “stop” just triggers our inner two year olds, and we stubbornly refuse to cooperate.

For example, one client wanted to stop feeling extreme anger every time her boyfriend failed her in some way. As we worked together, we discovered that one of the things she’d lost as a result of childhood abuse was the ability to trust that she could depend on others. We shifted away from talking about how to stop being angry and instead focused on what she would need to start thinking or doing in order to trust others. She learned some new communication skills. She started looking for times when the boyfriend came through rather than focusing only on the mistakes (which, as it turned out, were actually few and far between but previously seemed to be occurring frequently because this is where her focus was). She also started to challenge the belief that others would always let her down. After about two months, she was able to respond to being let down or disappointment in a healthy way minus the excessive anger.

As I was thinking about this topic, I came across this acronym for people who want to stop smoking:

S = Set a quit date.

T = Tell family, friends, and co-workers that you plan to quit.

A = Anticipate and plan for the challenges you'll face while quitting.

R = Remove cigarettes and other tobacco products from your home, car, and work.

T = Talk to your doctor about getting help to quit.

START! While the outcome is to end the behavior of smoking, the path to getting there is to start – to focus on what needs to be added in rather than what needs to be cut out. By doing so, you will gain momentum, perspective, and the motivation needed to experience real transformation. Love it!

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

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Stop Being a Victim

In the world of recovery, there has been a shift from using the word “victim” to “survivor” when describing those who have been abused or suffered a trauma. This shift shows up in all areas of abuse/trauma: cancer, divorce, child abuse. It's even shown up in the workplace, as in "merger survivor!"

This new label was chosen in order to convey strength, to empower, and to embolden the person as one begins the journey of recovery. The intent was also to distinguish between the moment of the trauma/abuse (victimization) and that of the present existence and experience (survivor).

Moving from victim to survivor is an important stage of recovery. During this phase, the person reflects upon the experience, actively engages in facing and owning what happened, and recognizes the connections between the abuse and the way they feel, think or behave. However, this recognition and sense of empowerment is not enough. While "survivor" is a much better label than "victim," it does not go far enough in framing an identity that leads to a thriving and powerful life.

Imagine with me for a moment that the abuse or trauma you’ve experienced has left a scrape on your knee – just as one you might get by falling down on hard concrete (in fact, we often feel battered and bruised as a result of abuse or trauma). This scrape, for many people, remains unhealed for years and years. At times, they may bandage and tend to the wound a bit, but they never fully heal. Worse, they come to believe it can never be healed.

Now, in the case of an actual physical wound, the skin does eventually heal and leaves a scar. We look at our knee, see the scar, and remember that day when we were wounded. Yet, we don’t feel all of the pain or other emotions that occurred at the moment we were hurt. Nor do we continue to compensate for the wound by changing our behavior – such as not fully bending our knee for fear of reopening the wound.

I strongly believe that the wounds of trauma and abuse can be healed and looked backed upon in this same way. We can see the scar that was created, but do not feel the pain, need to compensate, or constantly re-bandage the wound. However, this requires another shift – namely, from survivor to beyond surviving.

I remember very distinctly the moment when I thought, “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to survive my life. I want to live it!” For that reason, I use the term “beyond surviving” to describe myself and my clients. With this simple shift in language and labeling, the objectives and goals of recovery shift as well.

It is my goal to support clients in reaching a place where they no longer feel it necessary to manage behaviors or cope with thoughts and feelings that have resulted from abuse or trauma. Rather, clients gain insights and skills that make it possible for them to live abundant, powerful lives that are no longer mired in the past. They see the scar but are no longer wounded.

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now

Trauma Is Not A Competition!

"...a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the 'size' of human suffering is absolutely relative." ~Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

In working with people who have experienced some sort of trauma, whether it be sexual or physical abuse, divorce, or loss of a relationship, it is very common to hear minimizing statements such as, "It only happened once," or "I know others have suffered worse things."

There is a very real psychological purpose behind minimization - it prevents the person from being overwhelmed by the experience and thoughts and feelings that come along as a result.

However, as one reaches the place where simply suppressing or managing the effects of the trauma is no longer satisfying, these minimizations need to drop away.

As I've told clients, trauma is not a competition! You don't get fewer points for being abused once as opposed to many times. As Frankl states, suffering, be it great or little, has a way of filling our minds and hearts to capacity .. taking over our thoughts and guiding our behavior.

So, rather than trying to escape the impact of the abuse by minimization, take the time to fully acknowledge the extent to which you've been changed or hurt and to what extent that experience is interfering with your life, relationships, and ability to live a life that you love right now in the present.

In doing so, you will be able to deal with the areas of your life that have been impacted rather than remaining stuck, hurt, angry because you continue to believe that your hurt wasn't "great" enough to be justified, to warrant reflection, or to deserve your full attention.

What have you been minimizing and ignoring that you'd instead like to acknowledge and heal?

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

Please Send My Copy Now