Learn to Trust Others

While this article addresses the difficulty of learning to trust for adult survivors of child abuse, the ideas can be helpful for anyone who struggles in this area of life.

The last time I wrote, I shared some thoughts on trusting yourself. Now, let’s turn our attention now to trusting others. You may still have some work to do to trust yourself, but there is no time like the present to begin transforming your relationships!

For me, the impact of not trusting others was that I walked around guarded all of the time. It was as if I was operating behind this piece of gauze; I remained fuzzy to others and others remained fuzzy to me. I was never able to experience real connection or intimacy. To move us along towards breaking out from behind our walls, veils, protections, let’s start by simply exploring what it is you think it means to trust someone in the first place.

One of the biggest mistakes we make when determining who is trustworthy is looking for the qualities in others that we ourselves lack. Let’s say, for example, that we have a very hard time getting projects done on time. This is a quality that we would say a trustworthy person would possess. So, when working with others on a team, we label the person who is able to get things done on time as trustworthy.

Nevermind the fact that she cheats on her taxes, beats her children, etc. The point is, we are so focused on the qualities that we lack that we misjudge the character of another person whenever they possess those qualities.

As a result of abuse, our “trust meter” is a bit off balance. We have either tilted way over to not trusting, trusting too easily, or remain apathetic about it – never really connecting or pushing away others. So, how can we give our trust meter a tune up and rebalance it?

First, we need to challenge our general understanding of what trust is. Regardless of what you have thought it means to trust, I want you to try on understanding what trust is in a new way.

• Trust is not about judging the character and quality of another person.
• We do not come to trust a person as a whole.
• Rather, we come to trust the person to honor a specific commitment.
• No one is 100% trustworthy.

Remember the example of the team member who finishes her work on time, but cheats on her taxes and beats her children? She is completely trustworthy when it comes to completing tasks on time. She is not trustworthy when it comes to raising children. For any given person, there is always some commitment we can trust, but there is always another we cannot. This is why trust is not about judging the character or quality of a person, but rather judging the character and quality of the commitments you can trust the person to honor.

When relating to others, we seek to know the difference between commitments likely to be honored and those not likely. We want to understand what sorts of commitments they follow through on more often than not and hope that these line up with what is important to us. This will vary by person and by commitment. I may have a friend who I can always trust to keep her commitment to spending time with me and another who doesn’t, and yet they are both trustworthy friends!

Our job is then to decide whether or not to trust someone by considering their behavior and speech as signals of their beliefs, values, and intentions, which are all indications of what commitments they are willing to keep, for how often, and for how long. Keep in mind, that behavior is a much better indicator than what people say.

Oh, and the bad news is…

There is no such thing as a 100% trustworthy person, which means there is no guarantee that people will not let us down, hurt us, or behave terribly.

But, the good news is…

We do not have to judge the person as a whole and give them a badge of trustworthy honor. Instead, we can determine which beliefs, values, and intentions are priorities and judge to see if the person can commit to those things.

You see, trusting another person is not about saying “You’re good, you’re safe” – it is about saying, “I know that, in these areas, I can count on you, and I acknowledge and understand the areas where I can’t.” If we continue striving to prove that someone is “good”, then, as soon as they show a flaw, we will cut them off, deem them untrustworthy and continue our cycle of being closed off and disconnected.

REFLECTION

- On a scale of 1-10 (1 never; 10 too easily), how would you rate your willingness to trust others?

- What has been the impact on your life of not being able to trust others?

- I can trust myself if I keep my commitments to …. even if I am unable to commit in other ways.

- I can trust a person if they keep their commitments to …. even if they are unable to commit in other ways.

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Learn to Trust Yourself

While this article addresses the difficulty of learning to trust for adult survivors of child abuse, the ideas can be helpful for anyone who struggles in this area of life.

Many survivors struggle with trust. It is not surprising given that our fundamental trust in another person was shattered as a result of abuse. In fact, it is hard for some survivors to remember ever trusting anyone.

When I first thought about trusting others, I felt a huge knot in my stomach. I did not want to rely on the integrity or character of another person, which is part of what it means to trust. After all, I had relied on the character of someone, and he abused me. I also had a very hard time having “confident expectations” that people would not always leave, let me down, or harm me. I was in a terrible loop of being out to prove that no one could be trusted, and I was succeeding.

There are a couple of layers involved when we think about trust: Defining trust, trusting ourselves, trusting others and determining who is trustworthy, and, the biggie, embracing vulnerability (don’t worry, I’ll be writing about that in a few weeks!). For today, we’re just going to think about trusting ourselves.

As we think about trust, we often focus on determining if a person is trustworthy or not. To be sure, this is very important. However, trusting yourself is actually the first step and more critical than learning to trust others!

If you do not have the confidence that you can make good decisions, judge others with wisdom and clarity, and set the boundaries that are necessary when others violate your trust, then thinking about trusting others will prove to be an empty and meaningless endeavor.

To begin trusting ourselves, we need to figure out the answer to one very important question:

I do not trust myself because …

Once we identify the beliefs that are holding us back from trusting ourselves, we then need to do the work to challenge these beliefs.

As in all things, start small. Setting a goal that focuses on just one area where you want to begin learning to trust yourself is a good place to begin. I also encourage you to read more about challenging false beliefs directly using a few simple steps.

Too often we strive to be open to others, to trust, but find ourselves pulling way, making a mess of things, or being hurt by our choices. If you find yourself over and over again struggling to trust others, it’s possible that your focus needs to be shifted from outward interactions to inward reflection and growth.

Being grounded in who you are, confident in your ability to make good decisions and to set and keep boundaries is a critical path towards trusting others.

Next week, I’ll share with you some thoughts on defining trust in a new light and learning to trust others.

REFLECTION

- On a scale of 1-10 (1 never; 10 too easily), how would you rate your ability to trust yourself?

- In what areas of life do you trust yourself to make good choices?

- In what areas of life do you doubt your ability to make good choices?

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The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

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I've Got Abandonment Issues

Abandon: to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert; to give up; discontinue; withdraw from; withdraw protection or support 

When it comes to abandonment, we are very much driven by a fear of the unknown. We don’t know if the people we are connecting to may one day withdraw their protection or support. They may “forsake” us, and not just a little, but utterly. The more we become connected, the greater the risk, because we have more at stake should the person choose to walk away.

In an effort to alleviate this terrible sense of “not knowing,” we’ll often do a variety of things. We will over-control, seek constant reassurance, or be on high alert for anything that looks like withdrawal. Worst case scenario, as soon as we start to feel close, we’ll push away and sabotage the relationship.

This fear of abandonment is extremely common in those of us who have experienced a trauma, been abused, or just suffered life. We have experienced very real and tangible abandonment – the loss of protection by those who were supposed to care for us. Unfortunately, we then begin living as if this is going to be the case with everyone we come across. I certainly had for a long time the false belief that, “People always leave.” As a result, guess what – people around me often didn’t stick around for long, because I would pretty much act in a way that ensured they wouldn’t want to! That’s a hard thing to acknowledge, but we have to be straight about the role we play today that leads us to recreate the experience of being abandoned over and over again.

Earlier, I only gave you the first part of the definition of abandonment. Here’s the rest:

To give up the control of; to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.

When I read this, I thought, “Hmm, maybe I need to abandon myself to abandonment!” If I give up trying to control for abandonment, then I will actually begin taking steps towards real connection. I could abandon the confined space I create for relating to others when I shift my focus and energy away from trying to prevent their withdrawal and enter into an open, free space where I am present to the fact that they are here with me right now, in this moment. Instead of maneuvering to try to get some guarantee that they will always be here no matter what, I can appreciate the person for being here right now.

Point is, the fear of abandonment keeps us so focused on the future “what ifs” that we miss out on what is happening right now. Another, and more tragic, outcome is that we behave so poorly as a result of our fear, that we pretty much guarantee that things will fall apart.

One last thought. We will never be able to get away from taking risks in relationships. We can, however, learn to take calculated risks. This means we have to get out of the nasty habit of connecting to others who are so high risk that we’re pretty much setting ourselves up for failure. Today, I want to encourage you to practice giving up trying to control for the future and to remain in the present moment. Also, give some thought to the types of risks you are taking – are they measured (even if still daring) or just playing with fire?

REFLECTION

- Who abandoned you and how did they abandon you?

- What have you come to believe about people and relationships as a result?

- What do you do to protect yourself from being abandoned?

- How can you shift your focus from trying to control future outcomes to what is happening right now?

- How do you know if you are taking a calculated risk or not?

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

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Taking a Break in Colombia

Hi all,

I just wanted to drop a quick line to say hello from Bogota, Colombia! I've managed to take some time off and get away, so I'm also taking a break from the usual series on my blog.

I want to take a minute to say thank you to all of you who read my blog each week. It means so much to me, and I always appreciate the comments and feedback from my readers.

It's hard to believe that I posted my first blog in December of last year and this is blog #59! 2012 is sure to be a great year, and I hope I can continue to share resources and stories that you find compelling, inspiring, and most of all useful in challenging yourselves and breaking free from any patterns of thought and behavior that are keeping you from living a life you love.

Here's to a great year ... and, remember, what you think, you create!

Much love,
Rachel

P.S. If you haven't had a chance to listen to my mp3 on Communicating Powerfully, I hope you'll check it out!

Loneliness - Part 2

Did you know that being lonely can actually provide us an opportunity for growth? Our ability to sit and remain grounded in the lonely times is no small thing. In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis is telling the story of a man who has lost his son and is experiencing a deep sense of loss and emptiness – loneliness. Lewis writes that, in this void, “in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow.” When I read this, it immediately jumped out at me. Lewis doesn’t go on to explain what that “something else” is, but I think it is independence.

The experience of abuse often leaves us clamoring for love, affection, and attention. We bounce from relationship to relationship, job to job, activity to activity – refusing to ever stop long enough to deal with who we are when we are on our own. Now, this is in no way related to the popular idea that we must “love ourselves before we can love others.” I think, quite frankly, that’s a ridiculous statement. I’ve actually come to love myself much more deeply through the relationships and reflections of my partners than when I was on my own. What I did gain by developing the capacity to be in the loneliness was a sense that I could stand on my own two feet. I understood that the love and experiences that come with being with others is amazing and to be appreciated, but I also learned that my existence wasn’t dependent on “belonging.” As a result, one very important thing changed. I stopped saying “yes” to things just because I was afraid of being alone or it proving that I didn’t belong. Instead, I began to powerfully choose for myself who I wanted to spend time with and what experiences I wanted to have.

REFLECTION

- What things are you saying “yes” to out of the fear of being alone or not belonging?

- What are the payoffs & costs of the story “I don’t belong”?

I want to encourage you to practice challenging the stories that cause you to feel lonely and disconnected, while also noticing how your time alone changes when you use it as an opportunity to develop independence rather than as a sign that you are all alone.

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Discover the 3 Stages of Recovery from Childhood Abuse

The road to recovery is much easier when you know what stage you're in and what to do next. Find out exactly where you are in your healing journey and what kind of support you need right now. 

This FREE 9-page guide will give you the answers you've been seeking.

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