College life and Transgender

This month, Dr. Gennifer Herley, is joining us to share about some of the considerations and struggles that transgender individuals face as they consider heading off to college.

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Given the disheartening rates of depression and suicidal behaviors associated with the transgender school-aged youths in grades K-12, the prospect of furthering education in college can present those approaching college consideration with equal parts excitement and trepidation. There are many things to factor into you or your child’s decision about going to college that can allay your fears and encourage a healthy transition to adulthood.

Every student, trans and otherwise, first determines what it is they want out of life. Everyone has to determine if there is a drive to study towards a career or take some time off. Many people decide to work and put money away before university. They also use that time to think about what they hope to study.

Determining your college or career timeline can be especially tricky for youths hoping to transition during this time. They will also have to assign time and money towards whatever procedures or surgeries that entails.

Balancing these decisions is a bit easier to conceptualize when the family is on board, both financially and emotionally. With the college being so expensive and health insurance only covers a fraction of what it used to, the days of finding yourself while attending classes are becoming a thing of the past. No one wants to accrue debt towards a degree that will prove useless in everyday life.

For those in the LGBTQI community that can afford to go to college, there are still many issues in which they need to contend. There are issues related to pre- and post-transition, deliberations regarding career choice, where to go to school, and when to start.

Of concern to the LGBTQI community is the opportunity to thrive in an environment that is both welcoming and safe. Violence against the transgender community is something we see every day on the news. Frankly, we don’t even know the half of it. Many colleges have policies and practices in place to protect the rights and safety of their transgender students, from gender-inclusive bathrooms to allowing students to identify themselves on ids and in classes according to their gender identity.

Websites like Campus Pride Index break down which colleges and campuses are doing their best to protect and encourage young adults in the LGBTQI community.

For every human being, this is a time of transformation. Regardless of gender identity or sexuality, or any other challenges that manage to separate one individual from their peers, this is a period of change and, ultimately, of vulnerability. The concept of adulthood can be so overwhelming that many become lost. Suicidal thoughts are pondered by many during this time as a seeming remedy for a perceived lack of opportunities and loss of hope. Maybe your folks don’t support you, or your grades weren’t good enough to get you into school, or school isn’t even a possibility for you.

You can feel like you are drowning or that you have no future. Some may be homeless, as parents who don’t approve or understand gender identity can absolve themselves of legal responsibilities once their transgender offspring legally reached adulthood.

This is also where the community can be the most help. Like the two emotions of hope and fear that accompany graduation, so too are there two possible roads to travel for our trans youth. They can go down the path of despair, homelessness, mental illness, and all those horrible consequences of an uncaring world. Or they can seek and receive assistance to realize their most true potential—and no one can suggest that the second path is easy by any means. It takes a village, they say, and that village doesn’t walk away after a high school diploma is given.

If you are a kid reading this blog, you must know that we want you to succeed, be happy and healthy, no matter what that means to you. Success doesn’t just come as a result of attending college. Being a successful adult can be measured in the number of friends we have, how much we give of ourselves to others, being and feeling safe, loved, and connected—all of the things that come from a robust and supportive community. Get counseling. You aren’t weak for being scared. Bravery is doing something about that fear.

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Dr. Gennifer (Genn) Herley, PhD is the founder and Executive Director of TransNewYork. Gennifer is a proud transgender woman who recently transitioned and earned her doctorate degree in 2014. Prior to founding TransNewYork, she ran A Better Life Counseling for 7 years. Gennifer is currently finishing her memoir, which she hopes to complete by 2020.

Gennifer organized the first transgender Conference in New York City, New York Coming Out. This 3-day conference had over 100 workshops and hosted keynote speakers such as Sarah McBride from the Human Rights Campaign and Sam Britton from The Trevor Project, among others. For a first-time conference it had truly amazing support.

http://transnewyork.org/

Let's talk about daily renewal...

Time needed: 4 minutes

Hear how I use my daily walk to see each day as fresh and new!

To new beginnings.

Watch Now!

https://youtu.be/49CmE6oejEM

Wanna see me dance?

Around the age of 10, I begged my mom to find me a dance class. I was playing Janet Jackson’s, “What Have You Done for Me Lately” on repeat and trying my hardest to copy the dance moves I’d memorized from watching the video on MTV (cue shoulder bops), and I knew I needed professional guidance to reach my true potential :)

A few weeks later, my mom happily announced that she had enrolled me in The Sunshine Generation. It sounded hokey, it was hokey, but to my 10 year old self – it was heaven! Quick side note, had my mom shown me the costume that I’d end up wearing for most of our performances, I might have demanded she find me a “cooler” dance class.

That would have been unfortunate though, because that little crew of would-be Broadway stars became my life line. The teacher, while I can’t remember her name now, was kind and nurturing and made me feel like I'd just earned a Tony after every performance.

I didn’t really get this back then, but dance was saving my life.

See, during this time, my grandfather was abusing me. My body, subjected to his unwanted touch, would freeze, shut down. I was starting to continue that numbing out by binge eating. 

When I walked into the Sunshine Generation dance studio (a modest converted garage – oh Oklahoma, I love you so!), I felt every nerve tingle. As soon as the music would start, my body awoke! I would shake, shimmy, pirouette like my life depended on it.

Now, given everything I understand about how movement helps the body release toxic energy, I know it did! Furthermore, this time in dance allowed me moments to enjoy my body, to feel my body, to express myself given that I could not talk about what was happening.

From then on I was hooked -- every talent show you better believe I showed up with a dance performance --

from "Footloose" 

to "Play Me That Mountain Music" (yes, those are some next generation Sunshiners sitting behind me - why did that costume never get any better!)

- if there was a chance to dance - I snagged it!

On my first day of high school (there was only one in our small town), I walked into homeroom and stopped in my tracks. There were a lot of new kids there! 

It happened that these new kids were black. Looking back, it’s wild to notice how little I thought about racism and segregation (#privilege) and thus didn’t even realize how segregated my town was until that moment.

I wasn't thinking very deeply about it at the time. I just knew these were new kids - a break from the same ol' kids I'd been going to school with since kindergarten - and I wanted to know them.

Kameka, Terrence, Marco, and Tiffany will forever be in my debt for being my real teachers during this time. Our conversations opened my eyes to what they faced daily as people of color in our small town. They also introduced me to some amazing music ... Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Solomon Burke, Wu-Tang Clan, Etta James, Naughty By Nature, Run DMC, Grandmaster Flash, Otis Redding, Sarah Vaughn…and so many more!

At sixteen, I got my first car – but it was really treated as a mobile DJ booth complete with car dancing all the way to the neighborhood canteen where we would make a b-line for the dance floor.

Kameka showed me how to loosen my hips and body roll. Marco showed me how to “play it cool” with a two step. Tiffany and I would do the cabbage patch until we broke down into giggles. Terrence didn’t dance – but he certainly taught me some things ;)

Off the dance floor, my mind was a constant swirl of negative thoughts, fears, and anxieties.

On the dance floor, my mind would go silent and I could just move and get lost in the music. This was a much needed reprieve from all of the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that my little 16 year old self just didn’t know what to do with.

During my first semester in college, I met Chris. I fell head over heels in love with him, but the relationships soon devolved into verbal, emotional, and physical abuse – and I mostly stopped dancing for 10 years!

When that relationship ended, it was like a re-awakening. One of the very first things I did was find a place to dance.

I wound up one night at ODC in the Mission and they had two rooms that night – one for lindy hop (damn you triple step!) and one for blues. 

Imagine blues dancing as dirty dancing but with some form! My body softened, opened as I clumsily tried to get a handle on the moves – it felt like coming home.

Finally, a community of people who didn't think it was outrageous to dance until 2AM! Amongst those amazing people were Mark and Chachi.

They began to spur me on to audition for a local hip hop company, Freeplay Dance Crew.  

I was in my early 30’s and thought there was no way I could do something like that! They wouldn’t let it go though, and so I did it – and thank god I did. 

I could write a whole book on the ways in which my time with this rag tag crew of “professionals who dance, not professional dancers” impacted me.

What was most critical though was that the members of this group were mostly gay, lesbian, queer, trans, bisexual. Now, even though I had been in California for four years, I was still small town when it came to LGBTQ+ awareness – despite being bisexual myself!

See, for most of my life, I repressed that part of myself. Convinced it was just because I was abused by men so many times. Our conversations opened my eyes to the issues facing the LGBTQ+ community and helped me really embrace my own sexuality, too.

Fast forward to today, in the midst of a global health crisis, dance once again is helping me cope. When Josh, the former director of Freeplay, reached out about a virtual dance project, I was an immediate YES!

Our intention with the project was to, in Josh’s words, “use movement (and sound) to show that, even when we are separate, we are still all connected. There's a sadness to this project, yes, but ultimately a vision of hope in the strength of our individual and collective artistry and hearts.”

Check it out!!

While these days, most of my dancing is confined to the living room, it remains a lifeline for me. It is the one thing that without fail helps me to turn off the mind and tune in to my body. 

I am forever grateful to my Sunshine Generation teacher, my high school friends, my blues dancing community, and my hip hop crew, because through our dances, I have learned, healed, escaped my pain, expanded my heart and mind, and broadened my understanding of myself and others.

Keep groovin',

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Watch this dance video that I can't get enough of.



Read more about the healing properties of dance!


What is one thing that has helped you deal with/survive the trauma you experienced?

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BOOK OF THE MONTH

From a leading expert, a groundbreaking book on the science of play, and its essential role in fueling our intelligence and happiness throughout our lives.

We’ve all seen the happiness in the face of a child while playing in the school yard. Or the blissful abandon of a golden retriever racing with glee across a lawn. This is the joy of play. By definition, play is purposeless and all-consuming. And, most important, it’s fun.

As we become adults, taking time to play feels like a guilty pleasure—a distraction from “real” work and life. But as Dr. Stuart Brown illustrates, play is anything but trivial. It is a biological drive as integral to our health as sleep or nutrition. In fact, our ability to play throughout life is the single most important factor in determining our success and happiness.

Dr. Brown has spent his career studying animal behavior and conducting more than six thousand “play histories” of humans from all walks of life—from serial murderers to Nobel Prize winners. Backed by the latest research, Play explains why play is essential to our social skills, adaptability, intelligence, creativity, ability to problem solve, and more. Play is hardwired into our brains—it is the mechanism by which we become resilient, smart, and adaptable people.

Beyond play’s role in our personal fulfillment, its benefits have profound implications for child development and the way we parent, education and social policy, business innovation, productivity, and even the future of our society. From new research suggesting the direct role of three-dimensional-object play in shaping our brains to animal studies showing the startling effects of the lack of play, Brown provides a sweeping look at the latest breakthroughs in our understanding of the importance of this behavior. A fascinating blend of cutting-edge neuroscience, biology, psychology, social science, and inspiring human stories of the transformative power of play, this book proves why play just might be the most important work we can ever do.

READ MORE HERE!

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UPCOMING EVENTS

Are you struggling in an unhealthy/unhappy personal relationship and just don’t know what to do?

Or perhaps you are struggling to heal after leaving one?

I want you to know, it doesn’t have to be this way. I see you and I got you!

That is why I have taken part in this masterclass interview series brought to you by my colleague, Jen Youngquist. She is a life coach that has been where you are and is now on a mission to help people like you to learn the shifts you need to make in order to transform your relationships through her complimentary interview series From Toxic to Healthy – Healthy Relationships Masterclass Series.

This event is bringing together 30 experts, including me, to share our best practical, tangible strategies and healing methods for igniting inner transformation and healing. It begins June 15th.

Learn More & Register Here

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June: Sexuality

As survivors, we all have complex feelings associated with our childhood sexual abuse that interfere with sexual comfort, pleasure, and satisfaction. We will be exploring what we’ve found helpful in our sexual healing as survivors.

Learn More & Register Here

The Misadventures of Perfectionism

This month, Ivy LaClair, is joining us to talk about perfectionism. Have you ever tried to be perfect? Either at one thing or another, or thought that you had to be "perfect" in order for people to "like you and think you're worthy"? I think all of us have at one point in time have tried to be "perfect". Read on for Ivy's (mis)adventures with "perfectionism"...

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Perfectionism is a tricky thing. One moment you think you’ve got it licked, and then it rears its ugly head in unexpected ways, shielding you from the vulnerability that comes with facing the things that make us human, our imperfections, shadow selves, our uncomfortable and painful emotions.

It’s like what author and researcher Brené Brown says, "Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight."

Perfectionism is seductive, and even for someone like myself, who teaches heart-centered entrepreneurs how to overcome dream-shattering perfectionism, it can sneak back up on you. 

Recently, perfectionism showed back up in my life in a big way, and I was so caught off guard! I thought I understood, I thought I was over it. I studied and taught the growth mindset and how to turn challenges into opportunities. I have a deep spiritual practice and learned to love myself authentically, to be compassionate when I make mistakes, to focus on enjoying the journey and to surrender the outcome. 

Perfectionism was in my past. Or so I thought. Here’s the story. 

While I cannot speak from personal experience to the trauma of sexual abuse, I can speak to the trauma of psychological abuse and neglect, toxic relationships, and narcissistic abuse. Throughout the 33 years of my life, my most intimate relationships were with emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or abusive individuals for roughly 30 of those years. 

So it’s no surprise that since trauma leads to toxic shame, and shame and perfectionism are so closely linked, perfectionism was my go-to method for controlling the opinions of other so that I could feel loved, cared for, and validated. 

Through healing work, I have learned that both perfectionism and over-achievement (my self-validation power team) have protected me from painful memories and emotions that I wasn’t ready to face. Once I was ready, I went on a spiritual healing journey and began sitting with the trauma I had so effectively avoided for so long. 

I discovered that by healing my trauma and my shame, the perfectionism and over-achievement that kept me burned out and unfulfilled in my business began to fade away. I could see clearly how harmful the misperceptions and myths our culture perpetuates about productivity and success truly are. Chief among them is the idea of being a "productive member of society," which ultimately ties achievement with our worth and value as human beings. 

The truth is that when we continue to use perfectionism as a tool, it perpetuates the false belief within us that we have to be perfect to deserve love. That we have to be perfect to achieve, to be productive, to be successful, to be liked, to be cared about. In truth, we deserve to be loved simply because we exist. 

Perfectionism also gives us a false sense of control over others and makes us feel safe only temporarily. In the long run, perfectionism is linked to other mental health risks like depression, anxiety, and self-harm. (see the article here) 

After living with generalized anxiety disorder for over 15 years, I finally healed my shame and trauma enough that I have been 95% anxiety-free for almost two years now. I have been teaching heart-centered entrepreneurs to release perfectionism so they can take actions in their business from a place of love, service, and joy. Rather than fear, control, and resistance. 

As I mentioned above. Perfectionism was in my past, right? 

Oh no siree, Bob! 

A few months ago I decided to start dating again, and this time I was determined to do things differently. Armed with my knowledge of attachment theory and my dedicated spiritual practice, I set out to manifest an emotionally available, secure partner. 

I had a plan, I knew (intellectually) the red flags to look out for and the ways I needed to show up so I wouldn’t self-sabotage a budding healthy relationship. In other words, I had a fool-proof plan that would keep me safe and successful. It was "perfect" and all I had to do was execute it "perfectly" and things would be smooth sailing, right? 

*laughs out loud* 

The plan didn’t take into account that I am a human being. That have a big, loving heart and a wounded inner child. It didn’t take into account that I am, in fact, imperfect, and that showing up as your flawed, beautiful self with another human being is actually one of the MOST vulnerable and challenging experiences in life. (At least it has been for me!) 

It puts you face-to-face with your shadow self, with the parts of you that are polished and obscured through the use of your adept image control skills. In my experience as a perfectionist with a history of trauma, being in a healthy, loving relationship is like a whole bunch of "Hell yes!" and "Holy hell, what’s happening to me?!" all at the same time. 

I realized I expected myself to be perfect. I expected myself to show up as someone who never had to scrape by and manipulate for the scraps of love and attention she received from abusive partners. I expected myself to be someone I couldn’t be (not yet), and at first, that made me feel so angry and frustrated and afraid. At first it made me feel powerless. 

And I think at the heart of it, perfectionism is all about us making us feel powerful.

So, I turned to my spiritual practice. I turned to Eckhart Tolle and Gabby Bernstein, and I remembered that when we push against our imperfections and beat ourselves up for them —when we believe that we have to be perfect to be loved and act from that place —we are robbing ourselves of a truly fulfilling and joyful life. 

Through acceptance, self-compassion, and love, I released my perfectionism once more. I am grateful for everything that I have learned through the lens of perfectionism, but I am ready to step forth into the world authentically, vulnerably, and more powerfully than ever before. 

(At least until the next time I am a flawed, beautiful human being once more. *wink*)

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Ivy LaClair, M.Ed. CPCC - Spiritual Success Coach for Heart-Centered Entrepreneurs -


Ivy LaClair is committed to helping heart-centered entrepreneurs joyfully shape a life and business they love. With experiential insights from her own journey and a gold standard coaching certification, she delivers a unique blend of mindset and spiritual support with strategies for consistent achievement without the painful burnout. Ivy LaClair paves the way for all heart-centered entrepreneurs to stop playing small and FINALLY be the forces of good they are meant to be for this world. 

www.ivylaclair.com

www.perfectionismfree.life - upcoming masterclass info! 

Let's talk about changing states..

Time needed: 13 minutes Hear how a wild dream I had featuring Madonna  totally brought about an ah ha moment! Here's to imagination! Watch Now! https://youtu.be/c9slBXHTstQ