A Return to Your Genuine Self

March 28, 2020

Do you know how to reverse an autoimmune disease?

I know that even the thought of taking time for yourself in the midst of everything that is happening in the world (and even on a "normal" day) can be overwhelming, but if you are suffering from autoimmune disease, you MUST start now.

I have the perfect opportunity. There’s no travel and no cost - just five full days packed with information.

I’m talking about the all NEW Reverse Autoimmune Disease Summit, Trauma and Autoimmunity: Causes and Healing Pathways that will launch on April 13, 2020.

Here’s your link to register now!

Dr. Keesha reversed her own autoimmune disease, and she has committed herself to helping others do the same. That’s why she is bringing these experts right to you. Five days of LIVE interviews will change how you understand autoimmune disease and the solutions available.

I wanted to be a part of this summit because studies have shown there is a direct relationship between trauma and the occurrence of autoimmune diseases. I have had countless clients navigating this, and am so pleased to be sharing my insights on April 15th and can't wait to hear and learn from all of the other speakers myself!

And just in case you didn’t notice when I said this before….

…It’s FREE for you to attend!

Do this for yourself and your health! Register now so you don’t miss one minute of this incredible summit.

When you do, you’ll have access to all speakers over a full 5 days. Don’t wait - reserve your seat now!

To healing,

Watch my interview with Caroline Day to learn how you can turn your home into a healing sanctuary.

Read how Kristin Schultz found a way to explain her chronic illness using an everyday household item - a spoon!

What is one thing you struggle with as a result of an autoimmune disease?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

After seeing Matthew on television, a child who had recently been the victim of abuse contacted him to ask what had helped him recover. Answering that simple yet profoundly important question led to the creation of this book.

The Truth That No One Tells Teenagers is a frank and honest sharing of essential information, cushioned in recollections of his own journey from victim to multi-award-winning human rights activist.

March 18, 2020

Is this Anxiety? Or Is It Shame?

This month, David DeVore is joining us to share how shame can affect you, without you even realizing it.

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Ten years ago I believed that I had an anxiety disorder. A huge part of my spiritual journey has been the discovery that the shame of being sexually abused as a child, being gay, and feeling condemned, had a bigger impact on who I became than I ever could have imagined.

For me, shame is the root cause of my anxiety.

I was in denial of the sexual abuse until my forties and shame was running the show in my life, keeping me on autopilot, disconnected, and less than authentic. Stuck. And in search of purpose. Let me explain.

Shame is an emotional response to being unloved, unaccepted, rejected or abused. All humans experience shame, unless of course, you are a sociopath. When we experience shame, it is an attack on our ego, our identity. The emotional processing center of the brain, the amygdala, is set off by anything that is perceived at a threat to the system. Our heart rate increases and we prepare for action, and quickly jump out of the way of the car, or avoid the critical teacher, or the abuser.

Years beyond the abuse, we continue to respond to, and have transference around people, places, and things that remind us of shame driven experiences that often originate in childhood abuse. For most of us, this is a completely subconscious experience. As we move through life, our brain automatically discerns perceived threats around us resulting in a feeling state of anxiety and even panic.

In retrospect, I realize that I was operating in survival mode and had learned to be distrusting of people, always on guard, and expecting a negative outcome. Shame creates the delusion that we are alone, separate, and that no one else could possibly understand what we are going through. Shame only affects individuals to the extent that we buy into a reality that we are somehow defective and unworthy.

The good news is that through self-awareness, we can begin to heal the impact of shame in our lives. The symptoms of shame are identical to the symptoms of anxiety. Knowing how shame feels in your body is the first step to embracing it. Let me give you an example.

When I filed a sexual abuse report against a priest in southern Illinois, the diocesan advocate requested that I have a meeting with the counsel to go over the report and answer questions about what occurred. I prepared for this meeting with my spiritual counselor and felt very confident on the train ride down state. As I walked into the diocesan headquarters, I smelled holy water and the hair on my neck stood up. I felt flushed. My heart rate increased and I started sweating. I sat down and took some deep breaths. My mind became foggy and I feared that I wouldn’t be able to articulate my thoughts in the meeting.

These are all symptoms of anxiety.

The advocate seemed incredibly serious as we walked up the stairs to the meeting. I felt like a thirteen year old boy on his way to the principal’s office as if I had done something wrong and was in trouble. Doomed. As I entered the small meeting room, the counsel jumped to their feet and I could sense their fear. I began to believe that they were against me. My mind was racing as I scanned the room and started to plan an escape. I could easily ask to use the restroom and leave.

As the meeting began, I could barely speak. I began to tell my story of sexual abuse, crying uncontrollably. This surprised me. I hadn’t expected this. I thought I had this whole thing under control. The two hour meeting was incredibly difficult but also healing for me. This was the first time I connected the emotional pain of the abuse. I had been in so much denial for over thirty years. I began to see that the members of the counsel were incredibly compassionate and supportive.

Ultimately, they unanimously believed my report and the priest in question was taken out of the priesthood.

So what really happened there? I walked into the diocesan headquarters and smelled the holy water which reminded me of being a child in the catholic school where I feared rejection for being gay. It also reminded me of the priest, and the sexual abuse. The sensory memory made the hair stand up on my neck, and the other symptoms of shame/anxiety followed. I began to have irrational thoughts that the counsel and advocate were already against me because I was gay. On some level I believed the sexual abuse was my fault. I was in full fight or flight mode as my ego was threatened with annihilation. I even planned a strategy to leave!

But the truth was that the counsel was in full support of me. The snowball effect of shame can easily create the delusion of false threats. In my new awareness of shame symptoms, I have become curious every time the hair stands up on my neck. I ask the question, “what is going on here? Is there a threat or am I experiencing shame?”

I’ve also come to see that behaviors resulting from shame mimic fight or flight. On the flight side I may run away, pretend, rationalize, numb myself out and distract myself. On the fight side, I may continually blame the outside world, become defensive, hostile, and even aggressive by the threat of shame.

The experience of shame is different for everyone, and gaining awareness is crucial in the ongoing and never ending healing process. I recognize that shame has expressed itself in my life in a blinding and often overwhelming way. Sometimes shame presents itself in the most subtle and insidious ways.

How does shame show up in your life? The next time you receive criticism, take a deep breath and note the feeling state of your body. How does it feel? What behaviors result from the experience? In this awareness, and by embracing shame, you can begin to shift your vibration from any subconscious programs of the mind that might be keeping you in the shame game.

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David DeVore M.A., is a spiritual coach specializing in working with gay men on issues related to shame, internalized homophobia, and abuse. As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, David has become passionate about the epidemic of shame that subconsciously holds individuals back from living a life a joy and purpose.

March 13, 2020

Let's talk about how to party like an introvert...

Time needed: 7 minutes

Hear my pro tip for saying "peace out" when I am out of energy!

Watch Now!

https://youtu.be/A8DtfOcD_78

February 28, 2020

Something major happened!

There are a lot of moments in my life that I treasure these days. Especially since having a life that I enjoy and am proud of has taken a lot of effort, time, investing in myself, and ups and downs to manifest.

But one moment that I will always treasure is the first ever Emerge Retreat for women. A couple of weeks ago, Ashley Easter and I stepped into leading 12 women over the course of the weekend in exploring what it takes to be an empowered woman. And it was EPIC!!

There were so many moments when I paused and just really soaked in what was unfolding....the relationships that were forming, the breakthroughs that were happening, the fears that were being faced, the risks that were being taken.

More than once Ashley and I did little happy dances of celebration - feeling very proud of what we had created.

This was a huge accomplishment and the realization of a long held dream of mine and I am still basking in the joy of that.

And, I am really present today to another dream that has been on my mind for awhile....

Back in 2007, I started working informally with women in small groups. Then in 2014, I launched the first ever Beyond Surviving group program for women, and I have been leading these groups three times a year pretty much ever since then. Next one starts in May by the way - check it out: http://rachelgrantcoaching.com/group-program/

Then in 2016, I developed and led a group program for men and it had a similar start as the women's group in 2007 - two awesome guys journeyed with me in the program. In 2018, I gave it another go, and three guys stepped into community to heal.

This year, I'm offering the Beyond Surviving Group Program for Men again - starting April 14th, and I am calling in 6 men to join me for the journey.

I've worked with men one-on-one from the very start, and that work is deep and rich and transformational. And I also know that healing in community just adds something special to the mix, and I believe particularly so for men who are still often shamed and struggle with feeling so alone in their healing journey.

I am committed to supporting the men in my community heal - you deserve it!

In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program.

If you are man who is ready to break free from the pain of abuse and do so alongside your other brothers in healing, please go here to submit your application today.

To healing for all,

Watch Seth Shelley's Ted talk on why men need to talk about their sexual abuse.

Read Tres Dean's story of coming to terms with the reality of being a survivor of sexual trauma.

What communities of healing do you lean on for support?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

In 1958, I was a ten-year-old boy when I was physically molested by a man both inside and outside of the Ritz, one of our local fleapit cinemas.

I feel it is time to tell my story and of what can happen to troubled young boys who fall prey to unscrupulous men. Of what can happen when early sexual problems cannot be shared with parents. Of how easy it is to believe those who seem eager to listen and willing to give their time but who are ultimately only interested in satisfying their own physical needs. The question is always; do those so-called sympathetic ears belong to a violent person?

I have carried the guilt for my actions for many years and at last I can tell of what happened, because Tom is now out of reach and 'They can't touch him now'.

February 17, 2020

How to Really Listen & Respond When Someone Discloses About Trauma

They've taken the first step. They've broken the silence.

They came to you, trusted you - to believe them. To believe in them. Don't break their trust.

Tell Them You Believe Them!

Tell them you're sorry this happened to them. Remind them that it's not their fault. Tell them that you're there for them.

When they break down and cry, hold them in your arms. That's all they need. That's all they want at this moment.

It took so much courage or them just to say those words!

Don't try to fix them. Your only tasks in the moment are to listen and believe. Hold them and comfort them.

Tell them you care. You are here for them. Ask them what they need most from you.

More than anything at this time, they need a trusted friend. Someone who will be there for them.

Listen. Care. Believe.

If you're a trusted friend, congratulations. With your relationship, you have managed to break two of the most problematic difficulties a survivor has: lack of trust and secrecy. This is a huge step for them and you. The healing is just beginning.

When they ask, there are many resources to share. In the pdf "Advocacy Simplified", you'll find Colorado and national resources to help accelerate their healing and recovery.

If they are a child or teen, let them know it's not their fault. It's the most important message you can give to support their resiliency. Get help from a trusted resource like a child advocacy center. This will help reduce the stress on both the child and yourself. They know what to do and when to do it. They will guide you through the steps necessary to provide a more effective response to the child abuse allegations.

If they are a victim of rape/date rape etc. and it just happened, contact a local rape crisis center, encourage them to report it to the authorities. Be with them, they will need your support.

If they are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), they've likely kept this secret for many years. The average age a CSA survivor shares their story for the first time is 52. It's likely been a secret they've held on to for 10, 20 or even 40+ years.

It's been stuffed down so deep it has probably caused a number of side effects; physical and/ or mental illness, eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and PTSD. Survivors are more likely to experience on-going health challenges like diabetes, weight gain, fibromyalgia, COPD, heart disease, cancer, and high blood pressure.

In addition, you might notice they struggle with:

»» Lack of self confidence, often feeling guilty, or powerless
»» Difficulty trusting and/or feelings of betrayal?
»» Feeling anger, frustration, shame and blame.
»» Struggling with relationships or avoiding them.
»» Difficulty nurturing themselves or even basic self-care.
»» Feeling unseen and unheard or feel as though they have no voice.

Keep seeing them as whole and complete. Share resources.

It's painful for you too. You're in shock. You're angry. "How could this have happened? How could he/she have done this to you? How did I not see it? I would have never thought it. He's/She's so...handsome, charming, charismatic
successful. He's/She's such a pillar in the community, cornerstone of our society."

All these thoughts and more are going through your head.

Perpetrators come in all shapes and sizes. Many are pillars in their community. I was raised in a small mining community (ok many small mining communities, as we moved at least once a year until I was in high school). My father was a shift supervisor and admired by all the men. They never would have imagined that in his own home he abused all 3 of his daughters.

He was handsome, charismatic and a pillar of our small community.

As a trusted friend please just believe and support in any way you can.

If you or someone you know needs immediate help, contact your local crises center. If you're an adult survivor and have done internal work or seen a therapist but need additional support, contact me at 303.525.6893 or Rachel Grant.

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Claire is a Survivor's Healing Alchemist, Transformational Coach and Reiki Master who empowers others to be seen and heard through her peer led EMPOWER™ Technique and from Wounds to Wisdom mentoring program.
For more than 7 years, Claire has led workshops and mentored individuals guiding them through blocks and helping them identify, release and reframe their trauma to empower their voice and gain the self confidence they desire.
CEO and Founder of The Empowered VOICE traveling exhibit, Claire empowers the voice of survivors through expressive arts and speaking.

Learn more:

Empoweredvoicetravelingexhibit.com

ClaireOleary.com

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