A Return to Your Genuine Self

February 28, 2020

Something major happened!

There are a lot of moments in my life that I treasure these days. Especially since having a life that I enjoy and am proud of has taken a lot of effort, time, investing in myself, and ups and downs to manifest.

But one moment that I will always treasure is the first ever Emerge Retreat for women. A couple of weeks ago, Ashley Easter and I stepped into leading 12 women over the course of the weekend in exploring what it takes to be an empowered woman. And it was EPIC!!

There were so many moments when I paused and just really soaked in what was unfolding....the relationships that were forming, the breakthroughs that were happening, the fears that were being faced, the risks that were being taken.

More than once Ashley and I did little happy dances of celebration - feeling very proud of what we had created.

This was a huge accomplishment and the realization of a long held dream of mine and I am still basking in the joy of that.

And, I am really present today to another dream that has been on my mind for awhile....

Back in 2007, I started working informally with women in small groups. Then in 2014, I launched the first ever Beyond Surviving group program for women, and I have been leading these groups three times a year pretty much ever since then. Next one starts in May by the way - check it out: http://rachelgrantcoaching.com/group-program/

Then in 2016, I developed and led a group program for men and it had a similar start as the women's group in 2007 - two awesome guys journeyed with me in the program. In 2018, I gave it another go, and three guys stepped into community to heal.

This year, I'm offering the Beyond Surviving Group Program for Men again - starting April 14th, and I am calling in 6 men to join me for the journey.

I've worked with men one-on-one from the very start, and that work is deep and rich and transformational. And I also know that healing in community just adds something special to the mix, and I believe particularly so for men who are still often shamed and struggle with feeling so alone in their healing journey.

I am committed to supporting the men in my community heal - you deserve it!

In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program.

If you are man who is ready to break free from the pain of abuse and do so alongside your other brothers in healing, please go here to submit your application today.

To healing for all,

Watch Seth Shelley's Ted talk on why men need to talk about their sexual abuse.

Read Tres Dean's story of coming to terms with the reality of being a survivor of sexual trauma.

What communities of healing do you lean on for support?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

In 1958, I was a ten-year-old boy when I was physically molested by a man both inside and outside of the Ritz, one of our local fleapit cinemas.

I feel it is time to tell my story and of what can happen to troubled young boys who fall prey to unscrupulous men. Of what can happen when early sexual problems cannot be shared with parents. Of how easy it is to believe those who seem eager to listen and willing to give their time but who are ultimately only interested in satisfying their own physical needs. The question is always; do those so-called sympathetic ears belong to a violent person?

I have carried the guilt for my actions for many years and at last I can tell of what happened, because Tom is now out of reach and 'They can't touch him now'.

February 17, 2020

How to Really Listen & Respond When Someone Discloses About Trauma

They've taken the first step. They've broken the silence.

They came to you, trusted you - to believe them. To believe in them. Don't break their trust.

Tell Them You Believe Them!

Tell them you're sorry this happened to them. Remind them that it's not their fault. Tell them that you're there for them.

When they break down and cry, hold them in your arms. That's all they need. That's all they want at this moment.

It took so much courage or them just to say those words!

Don't try to fix them. Your only tasks in the moment are to listen and believe. Hold them and comfort them.

Tell them you care. You are here for them. Ask them what they need most from you.

More than anything at this time, they need a trusted friend. Someone who will be there for them.

Listen. Care. Believe.

If you're a trusted friend, congratulations. With your relationship, you have managed to break two of the most problematic difficulties a survivor has: lack of trust and secrecy. This is a huge step for them and you. The healing is just beginning.

When they ask, there are many resources to share. In the pdf "Advocacy Simplified", you'll find Colorado and national resources to help accelerate their healing and recovery.

If they are a child or teen, let them know it's not their fault. It's the most important message you can give to support their resiliency. Get help from a trusted resource like a child advocacy center. This will help reduce the stress on both the child and yourself. They know what to do and when to do it. They will guide you through the steps necessary to provide a more effective response to the child abuse allegations.

If they are a victim of rape/date rape etc. and it just happened, contact a local rape crisis center, encourage them to report it to the authorities. Be with them, they will need your support.

If they are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), they've likely kept this secret for many years. The average age a CSA survivor shares their story for the first time is 52. It's likely been a secret they've held on to for 10, 20 or even 40+ years.

It's been stuffed down so deep it has probably caused a number of side effects; physical and/ or mental illness, eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and PTSD. Survivors are more likely to experience on-going health challenges like diabetes, weight gain, fibromyalgia, COPD, heart disease, cancer, and high blood pressure.

In addition, you might notice they struggle with:

»» Lack of self confidence, often feeling guilty, or powerless
»» Difficulty trusting and/or feelings of betrayal?
»» Feeling anger, frustration, shame and blame.
»» Struggling with relationships or avoiding them.
»» Difficulty nurturing themselves or even basic self-care.
»» Feeling unseen and unheard or feel as though they have no voice.

Keep seeing them as whole and complete. Share resources.

It's painful for you too. You're in shock. You're angry. "How could this have happened? How could he/she have done this to you? How did I not see it? I would have never thought it. He's/She's so...handsome, charming, charismatic
successful. He's/She's such a pillar in the community, cornerstone of our society."

All these thoughts and more are going through your head.

Perpetrators come in all shapes and sizes. Many are pillars in their community. I was raised in a small mining community (ok many small mining communities, as we moved at least once a year until I was in high school). My father was a shift supervisor and admired by all the men. They never would have imagined that in his own home he abused all 3 of his daughters.

He was handsome, charismatic and a pillar of our small community.

As a trusted friend please just believe and support in any way you can.

If you or someone you know needs immediate help, contact your local crises center. If you're an adult survivor and have done internal work or seen a therapist but need additional support, contact me at 303.525.6893 or Rachel Grant.

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Claire is a Survivor's Healing Alchemist, Transformational Coach and Reiki Master who empowers others to be seen and heard through her peer led EMPOWER™ Technique and from Wounds to Wisdom mentoring program.
For more than 7 years, Claire has led workshops and mentored individuals guiding them through blocks and helping them identify, release and reframe their trauma to empower their voice and gain the self confidence they desire.
CEO and Founder of The Empowered VOICE traveling exhibit, Claire empowers the voice of survivors through expressive arts and speaking.

Learn more:

Empoweredvoicetravelingexhibit.com

ClaireOleary.com

Join Claire's mailing list

Advocacy Simplified Guide

January 31, 2020

What Darth Vader taught me about love...

I remember distinctly the moment as a twelve year old when the Princess Bride shoved Westley down the hill, and as his body tumbled he shouted, "As YOOOOOOUUUU wish", and my cells shivered and shimmied as they deeply integrated this message about love - whoever loved me would want to fulfill my every desire.

Imagine my rude awakening when I fell in love for the first time at 17. Never one to do things halfway, we moved in together. I was working full-time, going to high school, and making a home with this boy I was head over hills in love with. But the excitement of new love soon faded and we were faced with reality...bills, dirty dishes, emotional immaturity that led to some pretty bad and physical fights.

I remember feeling cheated. This was not like the movies AT ALL!

Fast forward to today, my understanding of love and relationships has been ever evolving and maturing. My capacity for vulnerability has grown. My knack for staying grounded has deepened. My willingness to forgive has expanded.

And yet...seriously...love still demands so much. Namely what I've discovered as my honey and I celebrate 6 years together this month is that love has a whole hell of a lot to do with the dark side (Star Wars fans unite!).

Love is in part a willingness to accept the risk of being exposed to someone else's dark side and to love that person even so.

And self-love is about a willingness to see, understand, and embrace your own dark side.

***Quick Disclaimer: it matters hugely what kind of dark side exists. If that dark side is abusive (as with my ex-husband), we need not remain. And if our own dark side is abusive, we must own that and take responsibility to address it. Though it's hard to say, this is something I've had to face personally too.***

The other day, I happened upon this little nugget from the Counsels of Wisdom (a piece of Babylonian wisdom literature written in Akkadian containing moral exhortations):

"...requite with kindness your evil-doer... smile on your adversary."

While this is a precursor to "Love thine enemy", something I've always taken as an exhortation for being kind to others, this recently took on a new meaning for me...I turned it inward.

We all have parts of ourselves that we'd rather no one knows about, ways that we act that we later regret, peccadilloes that seem so essential to our well-being that to others might seem absurd...an "evil-doer" (okay let's be real...there is likely more than one!) who manages to run the show at times.

Perhaps the greatest act of self-love is to, in these moments, "smile on your adversary" -- not condone, not surrender, but smile...see that part of yourself and send love there. And when we are having a hard time doing so, hopefully we have someone who can help.

For example, one of my evil-doers I call the "nit picker", and she shows up when I feel stretched too thin. After a 10 hour day (which is actually very rare for me, but the Emerge: Unleash Your Empowered Self retreat is just around the corner, soooo....), I wandered into the kitchen where my honey was making a sandwich. Bread crumbs were on the floor, the counter strewn with things, and here she came in full force, "Are you kidding me? Why don't you clean up after yourself? There's stuff everywhere!"

Now, my guy has come to know this side of me over the years. In the early days, he'd become defensive, but now (most of the time), he knows how to disarm Ms. Nit Picker by wrapping me up in his arms!

In this moment, he smiled upon me, and in turn this helped me smile upon this part of myself, and with a sigh, my system settled, Ms. Nit Picker retired to my inner chambers (taking a chair next to Mr. I Do Everything, Madame You Will Not Take Advantage of Me, and a few others).

I guess, what I'm saying here is that there are parts of myself that I've had to evict (like Miss Rage At Everything), but there are also parts that I'm discovering are likely to be with me until the end. Now, the work of healing and all of the Beyond Surviving tools that I teach and use and will be sharing at the retreat are all about helping me be Ms. Best Most Wonderful Rachel (my optimized, empowered, authentic self) more often than not.

I've set my soul on embracing this year...and I'm getting that part of that is going to be embracing the various shades of me.

And when my lover's "evil-doers" arrive, to smile, embrace, and love him even so.

Now that is real fairy tale love!

This has been brought to you by Ms. Vulnerable, she thanks you for reading :)

Listen to my interview on The Naked Truth About Dating in which we explore the four mistakes we make when searching for "the one".

Read what neuroscience teaches us about building long-term intimacy!

What is one part of yourself that you would like to practice smiling upon?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

America's high divorce rate is well known. But little attention has been paid to the flip side: couples who creatively (sometimes clandestinely) manage to build marriages that are lasting longer than we ever thought possible. What's the secret? To find out, bestselling journalist Iris Krasnow interviewed more than 200 wives whose marriages have survived for 15 to 70 years. They are a diverse cast, yet they share one common and significant trait: They have made bold, sometimes secretive and shocking choices on how to keep their marital vows, "till death do us part," as Krasnow says, "without killing someone first."

January 15, 2020

"You're so special" - How Abusers Groom Their Victims

This month, Rose joins us to share how she came to understand the ways in which the abuser groomed her and how this shaped the way she felt about herself and reacted to others. Many times abusers will compliment and nurture their victims as a manipulation, and our job is to untangle these messages from those who harmed us so we can receive the nurturing from those who truly care.

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In working with several therapists including a child sexual assault trained therapist for three years, I focused on processing, discussing and healing from the abuse. I at times may have mentioned comments of my abuser but I never thought or even worked on how I was groomed, manipulated or threatened into being a tool for my abuser.

Initially what helped me was learning why people sexually abuse others. My abuser was a psychopath. He received joy from seeing others in pain. My guess is he likely was abused himself. He created a deep fear in me so I did not share what he did to me until I was an adult. He was never prosecuted for what he did to me.

When I started my healing, I had confirmation from a private detective he was dead. I had carried a deep sadness that those close to me felt, I never felt safe and I was always taking what people said personally. I was not healthy inside.

Everything came gushing out like a waterfall when I experienced back to back emotional and a physical trauma in 2016. I was emotionally crippled. I had a choice: address the deep seated issues, go under hypnosis or use something to soothe the pain.

I decide I wanted to be happy so I embarked on working on the abuse. The pain I felt at times made it difficult to get out of bed. I just keep stepping one foot in front of the other. I found some okay and good therapists that helped me start the work. I began to research and read anything and everything I could get my hands on to learn as much as I could. I began to unpack the trauma and pain working through my past one session, one hour, one day at a time.

Learning to let go and forgive allowed a heavy weight to be lifted from my soul that I carried for forty years. I felt like I had been carrying a large bag of rocks up a mountain for years and it finally tore open. I had no bag to carry the rocks. I had to stop and decide which rocks I was not ready to leave in that place on the mountain.

As I picked up the rocks, I began to walk slowly up the mountain to find I really didn't want to carry anymore rocks. After 3 years of work I recognized I needed to try something new.

In September 2019, I started working with a new therapist. In working on the traumas, I was tasked with writing down my life history detailing out by year my experiences. During one of the review sessions I shared how my step dad would tell me I was special before and after abuse, and I began to talk about how anytime someone would say I was special, I would feel tightness in my chest and anxiety.

In further discussion, I realized I wanted to scream back, "I am not special." I realized why when my husband surprised me with a beautiful ring saying I was special for an anniversary, I reacted with anger. I had made it in my mind I do not want to be special.

Wow stop everything this is truly awful! Almost worse than the abuse. My abuser created a pattern in my mind that I did not want to feel, be told or be recognized as special.

Unknown to me until I recognized the deep pattern, I was stopping myself from feeling special. I had been impacted and the people who loved me had been impacted by this unhealthy pattern. For over forty years, I felt uncomfortable anytime someone said I was special. The light bulb that went off. I have to change this pattern. I recognize how my own challenges with feeling special had been impacting my life in negative ways in my marriage, in relationships and how I viewed and felt about myself. How many times when my husband told me I was special and I responded in odd ways. I had created unhealthy patterns in my marriage.

This discovery catapulted my healing and opened me to identifying other grooming and abuses that had created unhealthy patterns for me that was impacting my self esteem, daily life and limiting me in my marriage, friendships and in work.

This discovery helped me understand why I have and was reacting so strongly to anyone that I sensed was attempting to manipulate me. It helped me identify and explain so many unhealthy patterns and break them. I began to see other patterns that were unhealthy or not serving me and have discovered how people attempt to push patterns on others.

While I am only four months after this life changing discovery, I feel that the progress I have made in the last four months has been key to loving myself for who I am more and more each day.

The trauma work was the foundation to discovery and healing. I went from a survivor who always said I will not let what happened to me define me to say I am now thriving, and I hope the discovery of how grooming impacted me for decades can hopefully help others break free sooner from the patterns created by grooming.

I am thriving and looking for patterns created that I need to change. Let's break the patterns and thrive together. Now I know I am truly special for who I am and for what I am. Being special is wonderful.

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A thriving and happy survivor of childhood sexual abuse and teenage rape, Rose found refuge in work. She became a workaholic to escape traumas, stay around people for a false since of safety until 2016 when she embarked on a new journey to heal the deep pains. In September 2019 while working through the traumas, she discovered the deep unhealthy patterns created by "grooming". Finding very little about the impacts of grooming, she has felt compelled to share the patterns and growth. She hopes to create more conversations, discussions and hopefully inspire others to break the unhealthy grooming patterns. She lives in California with her supportive husband and dogs.

January 9, 2020

Let's talk about how to stop shoulding all over yourself and others...

Time needed: 5 minutes

The irony here is that I really believe you "should" check out this video ;)

Watch Now!

https://youtu.be/mh_ZWBSDWeE

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